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The Cranelegs Five Second One Year Plan to Lasting Relationships

Who needs loud mouth Dr. Phil? Such insight into obtaining this most elusive of life's simple pleasures hasn't been shared since Dr. Ruth endorsed the Eroscillator 2. Unlike the good doctor though, I'm not talking about physical pleasure. I'm talking about the pleasure of finding the right life long relationship; opposite sex type or same sex type. It doesn't make a difference.

So pay attention and you just might get to the Promised Land.It is "The Cranelegs Five Second / One Year Plan to Lasting Relationships". It's Cranelegs because it is my discovery and that is my nickname.

Kind of catchy too. Anyway, the plan occurs in two distinct parts: 1) the first five seconds of introduction, and 2) first year of partnership. The first step is involuntary. The second is controlled by each partner.

The steps must occur in sequence and be satisfactorily executed by both partners.The easy step is the first five seconds of introduction. It is the setting of the "attraction switch".

It's easy because there is nothing you have to do. It is impossible to control and it can occur anywhere: at a business meeting, at a gun show, in line at motor vehicle, in aisle six at the supermarket. The switch setting process is initiated when two people first meet by chance or otherwise. They make eye contact.

Electrical charges are immediately exchanged through the optic nerve combined with possible scent pulses through the olfactory canals and/or touch data by the shaking of hands. The combined information packet does one of three things when it reaches the cranial attraction switch: 1) sets it to "on" if currently in the "off" position, 2) resets it to "on" with new information in the event it is already "on" from a prior unrelated encounter but in a "dormant" state, or 3) fails to either set or reset the switch. This wired send-and-receive response occurs in five seconds; longer in older specimens but rarely beyond twenty three seconds.

The participants can be conscious of it or not. It doesn't matter. It's chemistry.

When the switch is set on, it initially is in a dormant state. It remains in this inert status until triggered by environmental changes that allow the person to be actively cognizant of it. In young, unmarried, unencumbered participants, it can move to the "active" state quite rapidly, sometimes within minutes or the time it takes to have a glass of wine.For older, married-with-kids, highly cumbered types, the "on" switch may remain unknowingly in a dormant state until death. Unfortunately, many times it moves into the active phase prematurely, leading to a messy break-up with or divorce from the existing partner. In other cases, the person may reject the new partner as the result of the weighty guilt one acquires from "feeling" that tingly sensation every time the new partner enters the zip code.

Young or old, sometimes one person is activated and ready while the other is not; leading to pressure, petty jealousies and detrimental on-again-off-again encounters. Regrettably these circumstances are almost always certain to put the kybosh on carrying out a successful second step.One last comment about this five second deal, well-intentioned people mistakenly believe the attraction switch can be set to "on" manually at some later date. The typical example occurs when someone has unwittingly moved into an active partnership with a switched "on" person even though their own attraction switch remains in the "off" position; or worse yet, remains in a dormant "on" position set by another person.

Sometimes it is difficult to tell if the switch is not properly set. Typically the most noticeable indication is the lack of a spark. The old adage "you'll know it when it happens" is about the best way to say it. You'll just know. But people are capable of wishful thinking when adored and treated nicely. Maybe a best friend keeps telling you how lucky you are.

Maybe your parents hammer you over the head about how your biological clock is running out of time. Maybe you are just plain lonely. Maybe the partner is loaded down with cash from an inheritance or lottery win. With such external pressures, it's understandable why we might start to think, "hey, perhaps this person really is the right one for me.

".And what happens? The "commitment" switch is erroneously set to "on" while in denial about the absent ember of passion. Not good.

You are possibly headed for either a lifelong, listless, loveless journey or more likely an agonizing renege-on-the-commitment break-up when you come to realize either the attraction switch has always been "off" or the person who really set the dormant attraction switch "on" becomes actively available for some unanticipated reason. Studies have concluded the length of time one will remain in such a futile committed relationship is directly related to which side of the couple's age gap one is on, and your partner's wealth compared to yours or that of the new interest.To summarize step one: mutual attraction must be registered by reciprocally setting the attraction switch "on" within the first five seconds of introduction (longer for older subjects). It can not be manually set later.As easy and carefree as the first step is, the second is the complete opposite of easy, actually it is the most 'oppositest' if such a word existed.

Once the attraction switches are set, once the timing for both parties is right and once the passion is unleashed, each partner has one year to find out if he/she really 'likes' the other person. Being honest with one's self during the one year partnering stage is no easy task. While in the mutual throes of warm summer afternoon picnic trysts or cold winter night crackling fireside embraces, it's hard not to want to "like" someone; especially if they can swing from a trapeze with their legs wrapped behind their head or they are able to lick your earlobe from across the room or any other physical endeavor that might make your toes curl from erotic glee.

Don't be fooled, as most are when under the swirling spell of sparks, to think you have a chance without "liking" the other person for who he/she "actually is"; as opposed to "is suppose to be". Oh sure, maybe your contortionist partner isn't quite who they are ? yet. Maybe all they need is a little guidance here, a gentle push there and they'll shape up to be who they are suppose to be; someone you can really like. Big, big mistake. Don't think for a second that you'll eventually drag his sorry atheist, golf-on-Sunday ass into the front pew for a little weekly Baptist shakedown.

Don't think for a moment that you'll just cancel her subscription to Ms. Magazine and lapse her membership to NOW after you sign her up to join the local chapter of the Republican Women Homemakers Association. It ain't never going to happen.But do not fret.

Opposites can survive as long as the respect their oppositeness. If you want to see a model odd pair who like each other for what they are, you don't have to look any further than that wacky political couple, James Carville and Mary Matalin. Folks it can't get any weirder than that. And they seem to be real content and happy.To summarize step two, it's not easy my friends. One year.

That's it. Gotta like 'em for who they are. It's not like an out-of-place vertebrae that some Chiropractor can adjust. If after three hundred and sixty five days you are still having difficulties saying you "like" the person, it just isn't going to happen.

It's time to move on and do it as soon as you possibly can.There you have it. It's simply difficult and difficultly simple. And any of you who have been through a few failed relationships know this plan makes sense.

You have five seconds and then a year. Try it the next time. You can thank me later.

.This article was written by humorist Robert Crane.

Author of "Still Living in the Sixties" and "The Single Adventure of Inlin Freebosh", Robert also writes a popular blog of casual observations and political commentary, all of which can be read at his website:.

By: Robert Crane

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